Is that date really correct? Is it really already June? I took the time today to read all my old posts. So much has happened since I started High School. I feel like times been flying but some events seem like they were from so long ago. To think in about 6 months I'll be adult and I'll be starting my senior year in August. Its been so long since I've posted and I have so much I want to say. When I read my old posts I realize how truly different of a person I am. I like who I am now more, even if I have like no friends. I feel happier about myself, I'm finally becoming someone I can be proud of and someone I hope my parents can be proud of. This year flew by. When summer started it didn't even seem real. I don't think it even truly feels real now. I think this year was a good year. It was kinda lonely in ways, but it was still one of my better years of high school so far.

Recently I've had to watch my two closest friends deal with boyfriend drama. I wish I could be of more help. I hate seeing them upset and know that I can't make them happy. Seeing them like this makes me remember why I don't want a relationship. Yes I miss all the nice things about them, but then I see how much my friends are suffering and I don't want that. I don't want to be hurt by a boy again. I wish more than anything that neither of them had to deal with this crap or that I could make it so they are not upset and fix things.

I also hate that I have to try so hard for one person to accept me. I know I get compared to one of the people he dislikes the most. I wish when I ask them a question, the answer I get isn't just "fine". I wish I was up to their standards, but I think no matter how hard I try, I'll never reach that high.

I've realized I have become a very boring person. Like I've always been boring, but now I am really boring. I have nothing to talk about anymore since I don't do anything. I think Jessie said shes going to help me become unboring and give me more of a life again. That is what I get for trying to fix certain parts about myself, no life anymore. Also, sorry to the people I don't talk to anymore that I use to be close to. Its not because I don't care about you, I've just stopped talking to pretty much everyone.

I feel like I want to say more, I just don't know what. I swear I'm going to start writing in here again. Maybe then I won't be so repetitive with things.

Current Location: My bed
Current Mood: sleepy

Wow, I'm actually on live journal. I don't know how long its been since I've been on, I think the summer.
I really need to start writing in here again, its a good way to get my thoughts out, but I often think of things I want to write while I'm in math or something then when it comes time to actually write it down in here I forget everything I wanted to say and the post becomes pointless.  This is more than likely one of them but I'm going to try and remember everything I wanted to say.

So I've been thinking about a lot of things lately, mostly about how fast time seems to be moving. Its odd when we're young time seems to be going so slow, now it just seems to be going to fast. I think its because of how we want time to be. When we're young we can't wait to get older and now I just want to stop aging, to stop time from moving. I feel like everything is on fast forward. School started, Halloween came and went as did Thanksgivings, Christmas, New Years and my birthday. Its scary in many ways. In less than a year I'll be 18, then a few months after that I'll be graduating then going to college. I wish I was still younger, that I didn't waste my time wanting to be older, doing pointless things, spending effort on people who now mean nothing to me. I wish more than anything that I can turn back time and change things, I wish I didn't screw up freshmen and sophomore year, that I didn't make so many mistakes, but I know I can't do anything about it. Now I have to fix my mess ups, which is easier said then done.I still haven't even signed up for the online courses I need to take, I think I'm putting it off as long as possible. I also realized how different I am than how I was just a year ago. People always say they've changed so much, when honestly they haven't. I can honestly say and truly believe that I have changed a lot. Last year I cared about pointless things, got involved with people I didn't need to, did very stupid things, worried about non important things, and didn't care about the important things.
I feel I've matured a lot, which is also something people always say. I think of how much of a change I made in the summer, what I decided to change over time and what I decided to do with my life and I'm pretty sure I'm happier than I was. I don't talk to a lot of people anymore, mostly the Fort Myers kids and even though some of them were truly amazing I'm glad that I'm not involved with that group anymore. The girls are over-dramatic with no sense of morals at all, though there are some exceptions but very few. The same goes for the Estero/ coconut kids. Yes I go to Estero but the amount of people I actually talk to or even hang out with out of school is very scarce. In a way it is nicer, I know I still get bad talked but thats ok at this point I'm use to it, I mean yes it still hurts but I try not to let it get to me anymore, but I have a lot less drama in my life, for the most part it just doesn't exist ( knock on wood though). The bad part is I've think I've become a lot more judge-mental because of my wanting to stay out of the drama, like so many people seem less appealing to be fiends with, that sounds mean I know but its true. I think its because I feel that if I befriend someone its just going to cause problems for me so I'd rather stay away from most people , or I just find them immature and complete idiots, yes that sounds horrible I just can't help it. I am trying to be a better person, like watching how things come out of my mouth since most times I say something and it gets taken the wrong way, this is one of my many faults. I do dislike the fact that I don't really talk to the people I still care about and you should know who you are for I've probably said to you that I miss you and I don't say things such as I miss you without actually meaning it, well most of the time at least. And yes I do kinda miss having a lot of friends and people to talk to but I think in the long run its for the better or I hope so at least. There is still so many things I want to fix in my life but at least now I feel as if I'm going in the right direction not just wondering around lost, heading towards a bad future that I could never be happy with. I also know that this was one long rant that I doubt you got to this point in it, so I'm sorry for boring you, though I do hope you got to this point, its kinda nice to know that someone actually cared to read this.

Current Location: my bed, where I normally am because I a lazy bum.
Current Mood: blank
Current Music: currently nothing isnce I need to redownload everything since everythings gone.

Kali and Jessie and whoever else in my selfishness I've neglected. I don't know whats wrong with me anymore. I've been avoiding people. I refuse to sign on both aim and myspace, answer my phone or even reply to texts.It's not that I mean to, I just seem to do it without realizing. Maybe I'm just tired of people or maybe it's just the people in this town that have maid me tired. Not my friends, but the others. So by me being selfish I've avoided just about everyone. I haven't seen really seen people I consider my closest friends this summer, I've barely even talked to them. More recently in the past few weeks.
I'm sorry.
I miss you guys very much even though its my fault.

Shut up shut up you stupid cunt. I've heard it all before, what makes it different that you're the one telling me? I know it will help thats the whole point of it. If it doesn't help something that is caused by  ADD/ADHD then why take it? You make me feel stupid cause I mess up on saying something or I can't think fully. I'm tired, I've had no sleep and I'm annoyed of course I'm not going to be fully functioning. You also have no idea of the main reason I'm getting a job. I need money, I can't keep making my parents give me money. You think I want a job to have fun? Wtf jobs aren't fun not at my age at least so stfu. I don't want to see you again just give me what I need so I can see someone else about it who won't have me take a bunch of useless tests some that scare the crap out of me, which is something that no matter how many times I tell you you can't seem to grasp that fact or the fact that both my parents work so they can't just take me to go get tests done, it takes time. You jerk you made me cry but you didn't stop and you could tell I didn't want to talk about it. I rrrrreally dislike you. Maybe you should give me something for my anger so I won't have the feeling of punching you or the wall next to you.

Current Mood: angry

Why did it have to be mentioned, I want to forget that day. I don't think I ever will. I wish I didn't have that conversation with you last night for now I can't get it out of my head. I feel like your words are eating me from the inside out, they won't leave my mind and the pills aren't working, then why do I take them? I wish we could be normal or how I see normal. I wish it all was different. 

Current Music: The Acdemy Is...

I hate that you can make me feel like shit so easily.
One sentence and you can make me cry.
I thought that over the years I learned to be stronger and not cry when you said mean things to me or yelled at me.
I was wrong, today proved it to me.
I still love you though, even if your words feel like knives at times.

I feel as if you hate me and wish I'd just leave you be.
Thats what I'll do or at least try to do.

I wish I was good enough. I can't even get you too look my way. Boys suck. Blah.

Current Music: Jessie's Song- My Getaway

I hate people. I hate people. I hate people. I hate people.
I hate people. I hate people. I hate people. I hate people.
I hate people. I hate people. I hate people. I hate people.
I hate people. I hate people. I hate people. I hate people.
I hate people. I hate people. I hate people. I hate people.
I hate people. I hate people. I hate people. I hate people.
I hate people. I hate people. I hate people. I hate people.

Why is it that we never really give people our live journals?
Like when we met someone we give them our myspace or aim, but most of the time you exchange such information to learn more about people. I feel that from live journal you learn a deeper side of people, for we post things far more meaningful on here then on myspace. On here you learn the inner workings of people. How their mind truly works, the things they keep unsaid. You learn their true emotions and feeling. If I truly wanted to know someone I wouldn't just want to learn simple things, such as if their nice or funny. I can learn that from meeting someone, which would more than likely be how I found their myspace( unless you are like me and have over 4000 friends, most ofwhom you don't give a damn about). Plus were so more open on here, we post things we would never say in person or post somewhere else. We post things on here so that we can say them, not so that others can read them. I post so I can get things out for bottling things up will only harm you in the end. The only reason I even add people is because I enjoy reading what they post. I love observing people, find out how they work, how their minds works, seeing how they react to things or just whats going on in their life.  Its not so much that I'm nosy, I'm merely curious. I think we all are to some extent, it makes us human among other things. I don't know why I posted this. Its about 3 am and i have to wake up at 5:30. I can't sleep and I was pondering things while laying in bed and I felt the need to post this. Its not quite what I had been thinking, but its close enough to keep me content. i love how I think so much better at night time then almost anytime during the day when I zone out and appear slightly ditsy, which I'm actually far from when I can concentrate, I'm just a day dreamer always have been and always will be. I'm done going on about nothing now. I love you. <33